Couple’s Counseling
Traits of Healthy Relationships
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Maya Angelou
What makes couples counseling successful? It has been my experience couple’s who are willing to be curious about themselves & their partner, take risks, show tolerance, try new behaviors and invest time and energy, increase their chances for success. Learning to listen, ask questions, problem solve, embrace differences, add time, energy and you have the foundation of a healthier relationship (any type of relationship).
We often wait till we reach the breaking point before we make the call for help. Often frustrated, hopeless, isolated and exhausted from trying to manage the problems. We all have areas of concern in our relationships and I encourage you to try and address them before they build into overwhelming proportions. Relationships are like businesses they need regular meetings to resolve issues and set goals.
Couples counseling provides time to reflect and discuss in a safe and protective environment. Instead of getting stuck in the same rut a therapist can offer observations or questions so a shift can occur. Couple’s can learn to how to appreciate the differences and sameness, how to listen and ask questions and how to be accountable for their part in the breakdown. Rediscover your compassion, empathy and passion that might have been warn down by frustration and hopelessness.
I believe the best predictor for how successful a relationship can be is how curious and accountable you are in your life and to the relationship. We can survive disappointments when we have an open arena for discussion, comfort and support.
Couple’s or marriage counseling is similar to individual psychotherapy it requires curiosity, thought, insight and understanding. We learn to listen to our partner in a new way, take emotional risks, increase our vulnerability and learn to be awkward. We gain a better understanding of how to be in relationship with the person who is in front of us not the wished for relationship. We uncover our own fears of commitment and being hurt. Most often our partner has these same fears and we are both hoping to be loved. Better communication includes learning how to listen and how to ask our partners to listen. Let your partner know what kind of listening stance you’d like them to take; I am going to tell you something and I’d like you to listen, offer advice, sympathy, compassion, take my side, help me plan a response or problem solve.
Most of us grew up with the notion that everybody does everything the same way, as if there is a right way for everything. I think most of us are surprised when we realize our partner doesn’t do everything the same as we do it. It could be as simple as in your family the dinner dishes were done right after eating and you can’t understand why your partner wants to sit and rest before cleaning up. In those with different financial styles; one believes you pay the bill the minute you receive it and the other feels it’s ok to get a warning notice from the company before you pay. You see one person very anxious about the bill and the other not understanding why the anxious one is causing more stress. The goal is to try and find a compromise that makes both feel comfortable.
I view a relationship as having a romantic and business side. None of us were taught how to run a relationship. Like a business you need regular staff meetings to discuss problems, investments, set goals, set appointments and evaluate progress. Make sure you have time set aside solely for building and nurturing your relationship. So your business meetings can be focus on the business of your relationship.
When you separate romance from business you can focus on intimacy, companionship and family matters during your romantic time. Dates need to be made and time set aside for developing your relationship. All relationships require an ongoing investment of time and energy.
When was the last time you asked your partner out for a date?